Il y a longtemps que je t'aime
by moonswirl
Summary: Gleekathon, day thirty: Quinn thinks about the naming of her daughter.


_So the hiatus is over, I did my twenty-one ficlets and all... but I didn't want to stop ;) So I'm not! I want to see how long I can keep this up, one every day, so off we go :)_

_The title was inspired by a song, go on youtube and search "a la claire fontaine les petits minous" it should be the second video that pops up :)_

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**"Il y a longtemps que je t'aime"  
Quinn**

Finn asking to provide his input on a name for their baby had been much more to her than she would have let on. She was almost thankful that he'd suggested such a crazy name so she could brush him off and promptly divert him from the subject. If she couldn't do it herself…

She would have named her… she would have found something perfect, would have given it all the consideration it deserved and required.

She couldn't do it. She couldn't bring herself to give her a name and never get to call it to her, to see it traced on a drawing or cheered for at a birthday party… birthdays, milestones… none of them were hers or would…

She'd made the choice, to give her up, knowing it was right, for both of them… but for her more than anyone… She deserved a good life, a great life. She would have loved for that great life to be spent with her, but she was a realist. As much as she could hope, she knew her parents would never support her once they found out… and they would find out… she wasn't that big, they'd see it… and once the secret was out, it would light the fuse and blow up their bridges, and with it… would also be blown all her chances to give her baby a life… the one she deserved.

Her daughter. There, she'd said it.

She remembered being little, playing the baby and her sister playing the mom. For a few weeks when she was six, she could only ever be put to bed by "Little Mom."

Eventually though, her sister had gotten 'too old' for that game. However, never to be left pained by this change, her sister had used money from babysitting to buy her a doll.

"You get to be Little Mom now," she'd said.

And she'd loved that doll… She'd treated it with all the care in the world. She had to be promised that if she left 'her baby' at home while she was at school, it would be fine, waiting for her return.

Of course, she'd grown older too. She didn't play with her doll so much anymore, but she kept part of it with her. She'd kept the desire in her heart to one day have a real person to pass her love on to. A child, her own flesh and blood, not a factory-made, though very loved, doll…

Even up until before this had all started, she'd still imagined this future of a family, with children… Happy children… The kind of life she knew she couldn't provide, not now.

The feelings she could have toward the baby in her belly… She tried not to think about it too hard.

Only the truth was… she'd shown her cards, almost from the moment she'd found out she was pregnant. She'd decided to give her a life, even if she couldn't be a part of it.

Even if she could pick a name for her, what would she couple it with? Fabray… Hudson… Puckerman… It would come down to the Schuesters to name her, to start her identity.

And she could see it now… Mr. Schuester bringing pictures of his baby girl to proudly show her off to those around him… he might even bring her in, let them hold… call her name… She'd know her name wouldn't be her name, not the real one, not the one she…

She couldn't name her. Even if it meant she couldn't refer to her by more than what she was… the baby, her daughter… someone else's little girl, not hers…

She wondered what she'd look like sometimes. Would she be blonde like her, or would she look more like Puck? No… she couldn't start on that, not again… Every time she started to think about her, think of who she would be, it was as though her mind would start screaming. It screamed her name, but she wouldn't let herself hear it. She had to let her go, to remind herself that she was doing the right thing. So she kept on ignoring the screams, the ones that only kept on coming, faster, stronger…

Inside, she knew one thing was still bothering, likely would never let up. She'd chosen not to let her daughter know her. She would never be a value in her life. If she was ever anything to her, she would only be one of her daddy's students.

Sometimes she'd be afraid… that the moment they'd take her baby away, she'd lose a part of herself. As much as she loved her old life and tried to hang on to as much of it as she could, she felt like she was changing. She wasn't the girl she used to be, and she hardly saw that as a bad thing.

So what was supposed to happen once she handed her newborn child off to Terri Schuester? Was she just going to go back to the Cheerios like nothing had ever happened, just continue to spy on Glee Club?

How would she remember that this had happened? That this was real, that she'd shared in this girl's existence? Yes, she would see it in how she grew, and then the birth…

But that would go away. She'd go back to her life… what was left of it, work with those pieces. And her baby girl would be someone else's daughter. None of it would stay with her… she might not even get to hold her, to keep that one moment where they were mother and daughter.

So maybe she should name her… if for nothing more than to hold on to what she could hold on to.

THE END


End file.
